Published July 5, 2008
I wrote this a few months ago and thought about going back to it.
Chapter 1
Book one
Part 1
Charles stood in front of the black water of the Burcach river, the area around it was well know as ’Death follow’s. Living up to its name, everything around it was dead, the grass burnt away and the air hazed. The gun smoke slowly dissipated as the guards had spotted him. He had stolen the queens wedding ring, worth a fortune sold on the black market. He new the guards would have his head if they caught him.
.
The guards shouted at him. And quickly charged at Charles, wielding there swords in there right hand. Charles hesitated and jumped in the lake, realizing it was his only hope of hiding from the guards. He was unaware of something, Charles wasn’t human, he was, a half breed if you may. His appearance remained human, but his true soul was conjured up from darkest place in the oblivions.
By willingly jumping in Burcatch, he was brought a curse, to endure hell of the high elf’s. And by this he has to whiteness every single painful aspect of what he was going to endure.
Hell of the high elf’s is two things, the death of an elf, or a punishment by the gods. For an elf, when you die you are reincarnated into a dark elf who, everyday, endures hell on earth. Which gives them there cruel hearted attitude. Most people take pity on an elf, how there so joyful, even though even day they know that they soon will embrace every living nightmare ever mustered up.
Dark elf’s are the cursed second life of the joy some high elf’s. Every day they have a smile of their face and wake up knowing that they second they die they are to endure the same fait as every other elf. In their fiendish hell, they are to endure they ever worst nightmares. Torn to pieces and stitched back to gather by each and every single fear they long wished to never come true.
That all happened when the eldest night elf, Icaag Darkvictor killed the dragon, Nim icerage who was raised by the dwarfen king. Icaag then bathed in its blood in victory, an old tradition for that time. After that day, he and everyone of his kind was cursed into a terrible damnation. After that the high elves refused to believe it. They spent everyday living out their kind and joyful lives, but they still knew what was going to happen the day they die.
When he fell in he couldn’t take the pain, his skin burning away layer by layer. His limbs felt like they were being turn apart and roughly placed back together by a troll, he could feel one by one each rib being torn off, insects crawling in and out of his skull, a both pain full and uneasy feeling.
Charles swiftly threw himself out to the surface of the water and swam across. He dragged himself out and started running as far as he could. For nearly an hour he ran and didn’t stop, forgetting about the guards. His heart raced and his mind was blinded by pain and fear. He stopped running the moment he noticed something, he was lost. He fell to his knees. The pain wouldn’t go away, it was driving him crazy. His mind played terrible tricks on him, making him attack himself, but then he heard a whisper that told him what to do.
“Kill the first person you see.” a strangely familiar voice told him.
He nodded vigorously, completely moronic. Blindly reaching for the first rock he could get his hands on, he stood up, beads of tears and sweat poured down his dark skinned body.
“The first person.” he muttered under his breath, walking deeper into the dense Forest.
Charles looked around, he had recognized what part of the forest he had ran to. He knew an old hermit who lived here. Right by here. But the second that thought came up, bolting rain poured down and blinded him. He continued the up the small path he was on, unknowingly wondering off.
He had walked for what seemed like a day. The rain had only gotten worse, it seemed like it was going to flood, but it never did. Charles reached a small cave, or what seemed like what was a cave. It was hard to tell. Charles walked in, the pain had no longer bothered him, in fact he began to become addicted to it. For two hours he had walked in the dark. Until the found a large stone body sitting on a throne. His demonic hound sitting next to him.
It reminded him of a man from an old story, before there was any order, any law, any rules. Man had become cruel and evil. Most people were Tortured and killed by each other, and the ones that lived were the ones that were the most deleterious.
There weren’t any guards, no kings, nothing. Eventually there was a king, but nothing had changed. The guards were bribed to not put them in jail, the king spent all day watching the indigent families beheaded for stealing a loaf of bread to keep the children alive.
Eventually their tolls had caught up with them, and their price was paid. The dead and the living became one. Light and darkness. But it was always dark, dark enough not to see two feet in front of you. That’s when they came, dark creatures unbearable to describe. Some people say they saw people die just looking at them. They came from everywhere, the trees, houses, the ground, the darkness.
Four seven years the entire world was covered in pitch darkness. These creatures began to slaughter everyone within a hundred feet from them. It was cause, no one would fight back, they just ran and hid. Until one man finally fought back, but not in bravery, but fear of death. He took a bow from the house he had taken shelter in and snuck up behind the first one he could find and wrapped the string of the bow to the creatures neck until it fell limp.
For the first time there was hope, after that he started a resistance, and for twenty years they waged war on them. No one knew how it happened, they could barely even see. It was the pitch darkness was the evil that had surrounded them whole. Their evil. They’re crackling laughter of pain and suffering had brought them themselves death. And when they knew that, when the world had enough of this. It stopped.
Twenty years later they finally got back to order, this time, a real order. The emperor was that very man that saved all those people, Siegfried. But to Charles unknowing, there was a connection to that man. Charles stood up, he wore what a normal man would wear in his time, old used up clothes. He was five foot six and his hair was long and black, and by his appearance he looked about twenty two.
He stared at the cold dead statue, the mans face looked identical to his. It was a very awkward moment for him. Charles quickly drew his attention off when he heard an old man scatter away from him. This was his chance. He thought in his head as he followed the voice.
Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave. “No! Leave me alone!” he shouted.
His cries for help wouldn’t help him Charles thought. He ran towards him until he could see the old man. Charles quickly raised up the rock he continued to hold and bashed the rock on the olds man head, knocking him to the rough ground. Charles jumped on top of the man and began to repeatedly batter the old man with the rock.
After about ten minutes he stopped his onslaught against the poor helpless man. The little mans body was covered in blood and giant bruises. Charles shifted off the man and started at his dead corpse as the pain went away.
To him it wasn’t a loss to kill a man. As a thief Charles was use to doing the cruel and selfish to live and get his way. In a way like a small child if you think about it in a disturbing way. Charles anchored himself up and just took one last glimpse at the man and walked out of the cave. Dropping the rock right before he left the entrance of the cave. A little bit of blood dripped from his hand from holding the rock so tight for so long.
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140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
It's certainly a very dark first chapter, what with the 'Death Follows' and Charles killing the man. That makes me curious-why did he kill him, apart from the strangely familiar voice? Was he an intruder? Is Charles a baddie? What do you mean about his soul being "conjured in the darkest place of the oblivions". It's an interesting concept and it makes me curious about Charles-I'm thinking maybe he has a traumatic past.
It's a good introduction and it poses a lot of questions, which makes me want to keep reading it.
It's 'elves' not 'elf's' and it's quite complicated and hard to understand the world.
Thanks, that actaully helps alot when people do that and helps me pay more attention next time, and i really shouldve correct all of hte obvious grammor and spelling.
And i've reviewed a few things already but its not letting me count as one.
Thanks, that actaully helps alot when people do that and helps me pay more attention next time, and i really shouldve correct all of hte obvious grammor and spelling.
And i've reviewed a few things already but its not letting me count as one.
I actaully had his past and the backround explained but i had to many people complaining that it was to soon to tell his past so i decided to either put it in the next chapter, or the prologue.
The grammar and spelling could've been mostly solved if i would've read through it all the way and fixed it all.
Firsty, if you want to post things here you're meant to review 2 things before you post anything. So review 2 things then post 1 thing, review 2 more and post 1 more. I see you haven't done any reviews so quick, go and review 2 stories or poems for this story!
There are quite a few problems with this story. It has a good plot line and the characters and world you're writing about are very interesting. You have a talent for creating legends as well, I thought the story about the darkness was clever and original.
However, it's very confused and garbled. You need to check through your work before you post it as well, although your spelling is alright there are some grammar errors.
You need to pay attention to the word "there" "their" and "they're" -> "there" is as in "over there," it's a place, "their" is belonging as in "their shoes" and "they're" mean they are. It's really important to use these right.
Sometimes your sentences ramble a bit, like a stream of thought. Try and remember you're talking to an audience who won't know what you mean, so you have to write it very clearly. Make sure you read over it and make sure any one could understand without knowing what you meant.
If you went through this and fixed some things it would be much improved =] and if you carry on with this story try and learn from the corrections I've made.
Keep writing
R x
A pretty good chapter. Just one piece of advice, even if you've already rewritten something it's always good to read through it at least once when you're finished, that way you can catch a bunch of typos and grammar errors. For example, in the last sentence of the first paragraph you used the word new instead of knew.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
First of all the good news.
the story has a good plot but the last part gave me a little anger against the character.
Anyway. They story was good, could not find any grammar mistakes and no spelling except for the 14 paragraph where you have written 'four' for 'for'.
Now for the bad news.
The plot or whatever you call it was not lined very well. the start of the story i couldn't understand.
You don't give us any more information about him like his background, life, clothes or even the place where he is. More detail would make it a lot more clearer. And also the part about the hell of the high elves or something like that, what do you actually mean by that? i could not understand a bit. But that could just be me just being stupid.
So by now your probably thinking of hating me and this site and stopping writing huh?
Well DON'T!!!!!!!!! Like i said before you have a great imagination and great writing style. What you lack is practice and knowing how to write a good background or skeleton. Don't feel sad. i've been writing for half of my life and i still cannot get a good skeleton. Remember no one is perfect.
Hmm... Firstly, I was put off by there not being a title, its better to come up with one so people know waht to except before reading. Well, firstly I thought the action portions, He did this, they did that, and so on; were very mechanical. We need to be able to visualize it in our heads.
For instance, instead of just saying, he jumped off the bridge into the lake, or somesuch. Try Realizing it was his only means of escape, the thief threw himself into the water, ignorant of the curse that came with the simple action, or something like that.
Also, I thought Charles was a rather, no, very recent name for a fantasy character. Tell us what Charles is thinking, or what he's planning so we can feel and sympathize with him.
Really the only other thing that I could find, besides the grammatical errors which I don't care much about, was that you gave good history to the backround and plot but you don't mix it very well with the current plot. Try doing the history first then the actions of Charles, or vise versa. Otherwise you have an interesting story, PM me when you have more please.
-Pol